At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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