last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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