I think my vagina is haunted
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
