I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
