You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
