I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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