Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
