Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just gift wrapped bread.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
