if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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