Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
