im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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