i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
