I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
