I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she smelled like a LAN party
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
