i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
