This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
