did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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