I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
