I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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