dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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