I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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