I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
