R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
