just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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