someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
