I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
