May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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