I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He has the fingertips of a God
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
