Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
