worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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