I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
