I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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