I can tuck mytits in my pants
I cannot find my penis.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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