Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
