this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
