You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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