I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Is it because I queefed?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
