I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize