And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
