She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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