Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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