just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
