is your mom at the bar?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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