the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
