The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
