So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
