made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
