I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
