Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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