Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
