Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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