Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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