Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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