508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
