Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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