mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
