Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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