So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
