I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
